Tom - On Life

Okay, so I’ll leave the politics to the other guys. I have more pressing matters to bring to your attention.


I’m at a position in life where I can fly first class. No, not because I have an airline credit card with mileage rewards and use it to pay for an order of McNuggets at McDonalds like so many of you losers do (and then pay 24% interest on it when you don’t pay it off at the end of the month). I can afford to fly first class. So there. As annoying as

waiting in a drive thru at McDonalds while you pay for a Happy Meal with a credit card can be, there is at least one other thing that is worse. Me traveling on an eight-hour flight in first class and having you bring your children into the first class section. I know you’re asking ‘if you ride first class, why are you at the McDonalds drive through?’ Simple, I always buy lunch for the landscapers. Getting back to the point at hand, kids don’t belong in first class. As a matter of fact, they don’t belong in the airplane. They should ride in the cargo hold in a little crate. Hey, it’s good enough for my dogs. And I have expensive dogs. After being run into during the pre-boarding process by the largest and most expensive stroller that Costco sells, there’s nothing like relaxing in the first class accommodations only to have your peaceful fight disturbed by a crying child. I will cut the rude, inconsiderate parents some slack for not being able to push the stroller any better that they can drive their over sized SUV, but they should make a ‘right’ when getting on the plane and not a ‘left’. Yep, if ya just gotta fly with the little bastard, head to the coach section. I mean the screams of some of those brats can penetrate even the upgraded headphones provided to us first class travelers. And no need to let the cute little walking, blabbering, drooling annoyance wander through first class looking to meet new friends. I’ve seen 13 month olds before. Yours isn’t unique. He’s as obnoxious as the rest of the little irritants and chances are he smells just as bad. I can’t enjoy a nice glass of Chablis as the odor of a wet diaper and baby power wafts through the cabin. So do us all a favor. Stay home. Maybe think about a driving vacation. As a last resort, go bother the people in coach. Or, if you must venture into first class, please stow and secure your child either under your seat or in the overhead storage bin. He can be used as a flotation device if we land in the ocean.


Another group who can stay home are the sick. Not the disabled. I’m cool with the wheel chairs getting on the plane first. At lot of those people are as productive as the next person and deserve a break. What I’m talking about are the truly sick. You know, the folks with the oxygen bottles and those who have to be pushed on the plane and then dumped in their seat by a relative. A relative who’s probably going to be back down the jet way before their sick kinfolk’s ‘Depends’ hits the coach class seat cushion. As if to say, ‘Adios, they’re your problem now.’ Just why do these people have to get on a plane? They’re obviously too far-gone to be going anywhere for medical treatment. Put them in the cargo area with the kids and ship them as air cargo. After all, that’s how they’ll probably be making their next and last trip in the not too distant future. Or, if they just have to say their farewells, have their able bodied relatives come and visit them. And, in the biggest injustice, like the little kids they actually get to board BEFORE the first class passengers. In addition, and also like the little kids, the sick take up a disproportionate amount of the flight attendant’s time. The flight attendant could be doing something productive (like pouring me another drink) rather than tending to the ‘needs’ of the sick and the children.



So, kids, let’s make a deal, You stay out of First Class and I’ll stay out of Chuck E Cheese. As for you sick folks, it’s a lot more convenient for me if you die on the ground than at 38,000 feet.